| Every day at four o'clock I stop whatever it is I | | | | of the pool. Many times, I have waited beside my |
| am doing to watch my favorite soap opera. I | | | | pool (such as it is) hoping some man, any man, |
| take the phone off the hook, lock the door, sit | | | | would emerge, tanned and oiled like that, all to no |
| with a cup of freshly brewed coffee and escape. | | | | avail. |
| It has become an addiction. One that I like having. | | | | And have you ever noticed what it is like being |
| Almost every time I do this, I am astounded at | | | | sick on a soap opera. It almost makes you want |
| how much better the lives of these people are | | | | to run out and collect as many germs as you can |
| than mine. There are some basic facts, Ladies | | | | find, just so you can get admitted to those |
| and Gentlemen, that apply only to soap opera | | | | wonderful places of recuperation. Terminal |
| people, the women in particular. | | | | patients never look terminal on a soap. They look |
| The women in soap operas are always | | | | lovely. They lie in their perfectly made up |
| extraordinarily beautiful. The women in soap | | | | Wamsutta down beds while being attended to by |
| operas do not walk across a room, they glide. | | | | physicians that look remarkably like Robert |
| The women in soap operas are never without a | | | | Redford and Tom Cruise. |
| man for more than three hours at a stretch. That | | | | And most of them seem to have sudden and |
| is, if their story book relationship is about to break | | | | astounding recoveries. Of course, with doctors like |
| up, you can always be assured that there is | | | | those, who could blame them. Even the dead on |
| another Adonis waiting just around the scene. The | | | | soap operas look wonderful. If I really must go |
| women in soap operas never do laundry, clean | | | | someday, please God, let it be on a soap. I would |
| toilet bowls or vacuum. The women is soap | | | | love the world to remember me that way. |
| operas never have a single hair out of place or a | | | | Let's face it. The people on soaps do not attend |
| nail chipped. | | | | to everyday realities. I do not recall even one |
| I remember one scene in particular that | | | | soap opera person ever having to go the the |
| exemplified this because it paralleled the same | | | | john. I have given this much thought and have |
| situation in my life. I was at the airport saying | | | | decided that they just don't have to do that sort |
| goodbye to my friend. A young lady on the soap | | | | of thing. They go to the powder room, (it's much |
| opera was at the airport saying goodbye to her | | | | more civilized) to check that nothing is amiss, |
| lover. | | | | although God knows why, they couldn't possibly |
| I will never forget how she looked. One perfectly | | | | be improved upon. |
| shaped tear glistened down her luminously made | | | | People in soap operas don't cook much either. |
| up face. The wind blew through her shining blonde | | | | Rarely have I seen anyone sweating over a hot |
| hair. (I wondered at the time where the wind | | | | stove. They hardly eat. That must be why they |
| came from in the middle of the airport). A | | | | all remain so svelte. When they do feel the need |
| Beethoven symphony was playing in the | | | | to indulge, well, you can be assured it will be at |
| background and dozens of beautiful white | | | | their favorite local dining establishment. Probably a |
| casablanca lilies cascaded around her from out of | | | | place called "The Escargot Room" where they are |
| the sky (there must have been a hole in the | | | | greeted by a very distinguished Frenchman |
| airport roof), as her lover took her hand in his and | | | | named Pierre, taken to their private table, where |
| kissed it tenderly. | | | | of course their usual red roses, Waterford crystal |
| In my scenario, there was considerably more than | | | | and candlelight awaits them. All of these details go |
| one tear. My face was not luminous, it was wet. | | | | without saying. They are often the only ones in |
| It did not glisten, it was too drenched in mascara | | | | the restaurant, so there is always plenty of room |
| and pancake make up to glisten too much. The | | | | on the immaculately marbled dance floor. |
| only music I recall was a strange looking fellow 's | | | | It is here of course where the man, handsomely |
| sony walkman blasting something less than | | | | dressed in his tuxedo, whispers the most |
| romantic in the background. I particularly | | | | incredibly romantic things in the woman's ear. |
| remember this because it drowned out the sound | | | | Things such as, "Darling, you touch my soul with |
| of whatever my friend was saying to me at the | | | | your eyes." I ask you, my friends, when was the |
| time. I have a strong suspicion it was goodbye, | | | | last time your man said that to you? |
| but I will never really know for sure. | | | | Oh, and if it just happens to be a special occasion |
| Human beings behave differently on soap operas. | | | | such as an engagement, then a trio of violinists or |
| Have you ever watched people go swimming on | | | | a mini orchestra suddenly appears on the scene |
| a soap opera. The women arrive at the pool in | | | | and the lady is presented with a diamond ring, I |
| gold laminated dresses enveloping their tiny bikinis | | | | am sure, borrowed from Elizabeth Taylor's |
| that match the gold flecks in their eyes. The men, | | | | collection, while sipping on her Dom Perignon. |
| I am sure arrive straight from their previous | | | | As of late, it has also occurred to me that people |
| employment with Playgirl magazine. If either party | | | | on soap operas never seem to pay bills, floss |
| actually does manage to get wet, you can be | | | | their teeth or change their kid's diapers. And you |
| assured that as they emerge out of the water, | | | | know something, I wouldn't have it any other |
| their hair suddenly parts perfectly down the | | | | way. If I wanted to watch that, I wouldn't have |
| middle of their forehead, miraculously, similar to | | | | to turn on the TV. You can keep your reality. |
| the parting of the red sea. The men's bodies | | | | Give me Fantasy! |
| glisten with oils. Somehow a little man with an oil | | | | At least for one hour every day at four o'clock. |
| can must have been down there at the bottom | | | | |